my employer hooked us up with cpr/aed/first-aid training so you should let me perform cpr on you, it would be real, certfied, fresh and fun. i'm coming for the forklift cert next...
i saved these men
all the training materials were about saving men - like i felt (sarcastically) like i cracked the code as to why fewer women get the cpr they need than men do. i acknowledged this to the instructor who told us she had an order of more diverse dummies. tit size representation finally i guess! anyway ffs if you see ANYONE who is unresponsive, get them help and an aed and you won't get in trouble for any good faith attempts at reviving them.
i saved this baby
i started to feel like absolute garbagio that day! the only reason why i went into the office the next morning was because i had to go into the city anyway for my wednesday morning ritual: getting an iced almond milk latte at gotham roasters and then going to therapy. shouts out to those baristas and my therapist - my literal glam squad. i took friday off to make art but i was just so exhausted (thyroidly) that i took the day to just recharge because saturday i had plans to meet up with my twin brother juan pablo and pretend we live in high-end furniture stores.
i saved this man
on the way out a freaking butterfly landed on me. for some reason i thought that was a bad omen but everything online tells me that's actually the opposite of what that means. exciting!
i saved this butterfly
oh! so juan and i accidentally came across the portal? it was cool, i just never thought i would see it because they usually keep this kind of stuff up in times square.
i saved the portal
the actual wildest thing we saw that day, though, was this "arcade" which is literally just a mini casino right off union square - i mean, there were grown women with fanny packs full of quarters there. unfortunately, i'm not beneath casinos even if they are designed to attract children and the photo booth wasn't working.
i saved this kiddy casino
i then spent the next 48 hours with absolutely zero energy and with symptoms that i hope just mean a brief hormone imbalance and not, say, a full blown hashimotos flareup coming. i went gluten free a couple of months ago and have never felt better until this week so who knows. my body's got until wednesday morning at almond milk iced latte and therapy o'clock to figure it out.
xoxo jenn
yesterday andy and i went to wonderville to help celebrate their 5th birthday! in this middle school standardized test essay, i will talk more about what that means and also close with a call to action related to a new show i'm doing this month.
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in the girly world of working on projects, being depressed, and blogging, you often can only pick two of those - and my brain *loves* to work on projects and be depressed. it's been a busy april, but first a word from our sponsor: pumagreg.
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last month i said i'd be experimenting with more sculptural candles and that's exactly what i did this weekend. and because i had also recently finished my three.js journey certificate, i figured that starting this weekend's session by rendering the candle on the web first would be a good practice and a cool way to show off the candle i had floating in my mind for weeks.
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as a former professional satirist, i know that you can always make someone fall for something. as april fools day approaches us again, i'd like to share what i believe was the only good april fools joke ever: heavy table's 'what's in prince's fridge'. click that right now, read it, and then come back. heavy table is a reader-sponsored culinary online zine based in prince's home zone, minneapolis and they are absolute legends for this one.
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i haven't posted a candle-making blog since june 2022](/posts/candle-making-cento/) but i haven't stopped making them. i guess i just forgot to blog about them, but i'm pretty sure i took photos each time. let's catch up on my candle-making adventures.
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about a year and a half ago i turned an eyeshadow palette into watercolors and it really was one of the most fun watercolor projects i've done. a couple of weeks ago, i finally cleared a space and weekend to make another palette.
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i was just watching emma chamberlain tell some childhood stories and early into it she talked about under-the-table selling stickers and erasers to kids when she was a little kid and it feeling drug-dealery. i basically had the same experience.
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there are only 2 good things about being a blogger:
1. the piles of money that come in every single week from Big Blog Enterprises 2. the pleasant surprise that you wrote and totally forgot about your resolutions and intentions from the year prior
hello, fellow billionaires. i'm jenn schiffer and this is my **2024 blog**, a lot has changed since my 2023 post.
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10 years ago i was working as a senior front-end engineer at the nba making way too little money for what they had me doing and writing extremely niche web development satire as a hobby with my coworker – normal 20-something lady in tech things. this was last time i ever remember being truly bored, which was the big driver behind me writing things on an invite-only blogging platform (medium the dot com in its infancy) that i knew were very funny and therefore would piss off a certain demographic.
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