that tfw when the world ends again
since the election loss last week, i'd spent a lot of time on my screens watching people spiral, activate, argue, plan, fight, grieve, celebrate, move on…all the things. it’s very human yet overwhelming and i don’t want to contribute more noise to it, but i did need to get some of the thoughts swirling in my head down to make room for future action. in this, i tell a very personal, sad story that dominates my mind whenever i feel the world is ending, so the perspective may be helpful to those who feel alone in their grief right now.
the first time i remember the world end, i was maybe 8, 10-years-old tops, standing in my parent’s bedroom being told that the woman standing before me was not actually my mom. i had felt this already; she was cold, angry and violent with me in a way she wasn’t like with my younger siblings - who actually were her children, unlike me, which explained why they had baby and toddler photos all over the walls of our apartment, but none of me. i had recently taken notice of that and challenged my dad about it to the point when we were all sitting in a room i was only ever allowed in if i were folding laundry, finally being told some truth - even finding out some truth of my own (like, adults lie lol).
from a very young age i was paying close attention to the people and goings-on around me - there was no social media, or any screens in the small bedroom i shared with my dad’s wife who was not my mother’s real children, so that’s how i entertained and educated myself. challenging the things i noticed often revealed hard truths, disparities, unfairness, usually nothing good. it sometimes got me into trouble, or embarrassed me, but it always gave me information that i was able to use to navigate and survive a world where i was not wanted. i didn’t know what i looked like as a baby and so i challenged my place in the family and found out my role. the truth revealed fucking sucked, but it was the truth nonetheless.
my dad’s wife who was not my mother did everything in her power - with words, fists, and powers of isolation and control of food and housing - to get me to take my own life. let me tell you, that bitch almost succeeded! when you’re a child, the world is as small as how far you can get around, which in my case was often not outside our apartment, so it really just takes one figure of authority - add in a few of passive relatives too scared or stupid to help - to make you feel like you’re not a living creature, let alone a human being. it pains me to know that there are people who have a global movement that does not want them to exist. let me tell you, though, they HATE to see you survive. this could be your motivator, as it's been mine.
the world has ended for me many times, but then again i survived and that’s hope in action. also revenge. as long as my dad’s wife who is not my mother is alive, as she is unfortunately, along with all these other hateful people in the world putting my friends and our communities in danger, i remain motivated to keep paying attention to these systems and challenge them, which means doing whatever is in my power to survive.
i'll admit i’m absolutely not the best person to turn to when looking for hope because i do not share the circumstances that everyone who is hurting shared, as you do not share mine. your mom probably did not die of AIDS during and because of reagan’s administration like mine did, so i may have to try a little harder than you to not rage at the “we survived reagan” posts that some are making to soothe themselves. there are enough people educating those folks, i do not need to pile on. they don’t know my story and i don't know theirs. this may be their first time experiencing the world ending, and it won’t be their last - not that i am hoping for that to be the case, i just have that knowledge from paying attention.
i hope we all start paying more attention to what’s going on around us and the rest of the world, and challenging authority and using the response to help everyone adapt and survive on this bitch of a planet. conceding to hate is to accept death, and i shan't be doing either.
xoxo jenn
the only known photo that exists of my mom and i
