weekly retro: seeing deftones, drawing nudes, and practicing patience with myself
if i had one piece of advice for everyone, but that i need to take myself, it's "you can acknowledge your weaknesses while also being kind to yourself". when i started writing this retro, i was not being kind to myself at all; there was a lot of "i need to be more patient" and "i wasted a ton of time"...so dramatic, jennifer jean! i had to step away from the screen and revisit it the morning after.
i felt myself going through the motions last week and there were points that i felt could have gone better if i just slowed myself down and practiced patience. primarily i'm talking about two scientific journeys that consume my days lately: candle-making and my health. both involve a lot of testing and experimentation, and they're both time consuming.
sometimes i just get overwhelmed and frustrated at how much time and effort it takes to make progress. if i had inherited generational wealth instead of a challenging endocrine system, surely i could be the martha stewart of candles that look like eggs, right?
this week was full of reconnecting with old friends and seeing artists i love doing what they are very good at. it's very inspiring! but sometimes at low points like i felt this week, inspiration can feel like pressure or the feeling of being "behind" - whatever that even means. i know from experience, and therapy, that this is the feeling of me yearning for my first big win since starting this leg of my adventure.
i'm getting very close to that win, the ability to launch. what held me back this month was realizing that it would be nice to add a scented candle to the collection, as i feel like that's kind of expected. this adds weeks of design and testing to the process, but i need to remember that's opportunity and learning and growth, not a setback. despite the lows, i've had high moments of taking ideas to fruition, which shows how good at my craft i'm becoming.
like stepping away from this retro last night, i've learned that stepping away from a difficult roadblock for a bit to rethink and find clarity is important. after a few failed candle tests, i had the opportunity to do some figure drawing live. i've been pushing myself to sketch every day as well to not let the wax overwhelm me.
i've been pretty consistent with my exercise, but i've been getting sleepier. i fear that my thyroid medication may be losing effectiveness, which i can have fixed in a couple months. it can also be explaining the blues i've been feeling, which is only exacerbated by my fear of losing my hair again. this week i've set the intention to go to bed earlier.
several months ago i got tickets to see one of my favorite bands, deftones. it was such a great show, and the mars volta and fleshwater were great too. mars volta's set had the best lighting design i've ever seen in a show. chino ran and danced so much, i left thinking "i should start running". i think i will this week.
friday i got to do a lot of walking, people watching, and picked out a couple of books i'm excited to dive into. i met with anil for breakfast to catch up, which is always healing. back in the summer when i told him i was leaving fastly (if you don't know our lore, anil was my boss for one million years) he was super supportive and said something encouraging like "sell candles". to that i said "i'm not selling candles lol" and here i am. something something, winding roads...
this week had its setbacks, but the friendships and art i took part in far outweighed them. the work i need to do is recognizing that in the moment vs days later when i try to write a retrospective about it.
things i enjoyed this week
- this sign at the protests this weekend. if you see me in person, ask me my dumb little cobol story.
- i may be biased because i'll be co-hosting robot karaoke at this event, but regardless i'd share the flyer because claire did such a good job with it
- speaking of robot karaoke and that LARPA event, if you've been to a show of ours you've probably seen richard & yufeng's banner depot 2000 in action. i just feel like more people should know about it, ok!
- my friend marina is selling her beautiful collages, "exploring the graceful and sophisticated portrayal of animals in traditional Japanese attire."
- anil now has an rss-to-email subscription for his v good blog. thanks for the grilled cheese, pal.
this next week is another very social one. the one question on my mind going into it is, will these test candles i just poured work? i'll let you know when i know. until then, have a fierce week, jenn nation.
xoxo jenn
